Friday, June 19, 2015

An Inadequate Apology

Sister, brother. I owe you an apology. 

I am so sorry.

You know me, and you know my heart. You know that I love to celebrate with you, and study with you, and preach with you, and to be your friend. I pray for you every day. 

You know that when you dance, I will be dancing right beside you. When you laugh, I hope that I'm the one who started it. When you study for tests, I'll sit at the table with you and study with you. But I'm afraid you also know that when you grieve, I grieve behind you. 

It's not that I don't like you, because I do. It's not that I don't love you, because I do. It's not that I don't believe that you deserve everything that I have, and more, because I do. 

You deserve the world.

But I haven't done my part to show others that I believe these things. Yes, I've stood in my pulpit and preached that racism is alive and real, and that we are all culprits. Yes, I have cried with you and stood with you and my heart has broken for you over and over again. 

Yet, I will never know your pain. I will never know the depths of your heartache, because I am a white, privileged, wealthy female. I feel hurt when men expect that I have and know less than they, or when they do not trust my opinions or authority; these experiences are few and far between compared to the times you have been slighted because of the color of your skin. 

On the night after the 15-year old black young woman was forced to the ground by a police officer in a city I know well, I was pulled over for speeding close to my home. I responded respectfully, and the officer took my information and sent me away without as much as a warning. I wept in my car for the black young men who have such a different experience from mine, and for the men and women who have been hurt by our political and justice systems. But I didn't tell you about it, because I was too scared. Honestly, I was embarrassed to admit that my privilege is a real monster of a thing that allows me to trick myself into believing that I'm better than I am.

I now know that speaking up isn't enough. I owe you more than that. 
Because of my privilege, I am so far removed from your pain and suffering and the times that you have been slighted and looked down on and passed up for opportunities because of the color of your skin. I have tricked myself into believing that simply SAYING that I am not a racist is enough. Simply SAYING that I love you is not enough. Simply SAYING that you deserve to have everything that I have and more, because you are beautiful and smart and passionate and a child of God is not enough. 

Here's the thing that really has thrown me for a loop.

The shooting in Charleston, in my opinion, was absolutely an act of racial terrorism. The hate that motivated the man who shot and killed 9 church goers cannot be isolated to an incident of mental illness. This is the result of systemic hate that is pervasive in our system. It is heartbreaking and wrong. 

But the bigger issue here is that we can call that racism more easily than we can other situations. We, as a community, are operating from an old definition of racism which no longer holds itself up. Yes, racism is evil and wrong and horrible and opposite of God's dream for the world. But we cannot stop there. That racism is big and ugly. But the racism that has MY hands and feet bound is much more manipulative and covert. No, we don't tar and feather black people anymore. But we (I!) allow men and women with "black sounding" names to frequently lose out on job opportunities to people with "white sounding" names. We (I!) hold our purses tighter when we pass black men who dress a certain way. We (I!) say that we are hurting when our black brothers and sisters grieve, but I stand behind you because our reality is so far removed from your heartache. 

I could go on forever about how this racism of complacency that is seeping between the cracks in our country is deeper than most white people would admit. I could write paragraphs about the ways that I have participated in keeping my black brothers and sisters back. 

But I'll spare you these confessions, because they are not for you; these confessions would simply be the result of a white woman trying to feel better about the way she treats her black sisters and brothers. That is inadequate and selfish. 

I have been listening. I have been praying. I know that these things are not enough. 


I am sorry. Painfully, wholeheartedly, desperately sorry. And I will no longer be silent. I will stand with you and for you. I will continue to pray, but not just with my words--I will pray with my actions and my life so that in our lifetime we might see glimpses of God's dream for justice, for equality, for reconciliation, for the world.